Russell Peters Stand-up Jokes
Russell Dominic Peters, or better known as
just Russell Peters, is a Canadian stand-up comedian and actor who was born in
September 29, 1970. He started his stand-up comedy career from Toronto in 1989
and in 2008 he won a Gemini Award.
He has set records for sales and attendance
at a stand-up comedian's performance: in 2007, as the first comedian to sell
out Toronto's Air Canada Centre; in 2009, setting a sales record in London; and
in 2010, performing for the largest audience in Australia for a stand-up comedy show.
Here are the funniest jokes by this great
stand-up comedian:
1. As a guy who grew up with Black people,
I know the N-word is not specific to people. It’s a fucking noun. It is used
for everything else but people. It’s not specific to black people. I see my
friends. They’ll be like, “Yo Russell, I seen you with some Chinese niggers
last night.”... My homeboy called me was like, “Yo, you gotta put on Discovery
Channel, son they got this shit on killer whales. Yo, those niggers are crazy!”
2. I have to go to this mall in Beijing to
buy some clothes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China
I’m Shaquille O’Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I’m like, “Hey, you
got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?” “Ah no! How about an 8?” “How about I can’t
negotiate my foot size with you?”
3. Every group is racist. White folks will
see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people;
they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like,
“Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell
you dirty bastard.”
4. An Indian and a Chinese can be together
but can't work together.. You know what I mean? Well there's this day I went to
this Chinese mall and I see this bag. I ask this guy: You know i want to buy
this bag, how much? And he says: thirty-five dollars. And then I said: oh c'mon
thirty dollars. Asian guy says:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and i said its just five
dollars. Then he said: wait I talk to my wife.*starts yelling*OK you seem like
nice guy, thirty-four fifty. I said c’mon man that 50 cents... he replied you
save 50 cents here you go somewhere else you save another 50 cents.. You have
one dollar and you go to the dollar store you go buy something else. Then I
start to leave , the guy yells: Be a man, do the right thing. Buy the bag. HAHA
an Indian can’t live without a bargain and a Chinese guy can’t give you a
bargain.
5. I was at my parents’ house, about a
month ago. I was watching TV with my dad right. And the gay pride parade was on
that weekend (Audience member yells out "Woo"... Well whatever makes
you happy). And they had a live feed... well not like a live feed but they were
showing the parade right. And all of a sudden these 3 gay indian guys came on
the screen.. I don't mean came on the screen but they appeared, right. And
these 3 gay Indian guys are like "Hey, we are Indian and we are Gay !! We
represent the gay South-Asian Community" and my Dad looks at me and goes
"That is disgusting. Do you know them?" I'm like why the hell would I
know them. "Because they are of the gay and you are in the entertainment
business.
6. I was at this casino in South Africa and
I was playing Black Jack... Ok "African-American" Jack. I'm playing 21
rights, and I look at the dealer and it was an African dude. I think they put
this guy there just to confuse you when you're gambling. Cause I looked at his
name tag and I swear to god, the guy’s name was spelled (exclamation mark)
!-X-O-B-I-L-E. I'm like how the hell do you say that. So I'm not from there, I
thought I'd take a shot.. I'm like 'yeah could I get another card there...
sobile.. Could I get another card there.. sobile. XOBILE !!! See cause I
thought you had to start big you know cause the exclamation mark was at the
beginning of the name, right. Like, if it was a question mark, I'd be like
Xobile ?? But it was a exclamation so I'm like XOBILE ! And he looks at me and
he goes "Please do not yell in the casino". I’m not yelling man, I'm
just trying to say your name. He goes, "That is not how you say my
name." Well, how do you say your name? I swear to God man, the guy goes,
my name is pronounced "*click* bilay". He had a click in his
name!!!!!!! The guy's name was!xobile.
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